I love music – it brings so much joy to so many people.

So why is this industry (and many other creative industries!) stacked to the brim with so many arseholes? I’ve met many levels of “music wanker” over the years. In fact, I find myself paranoid daily because I run a PR company and don’t want people branding me as “yet another fake PR wanker” – this just isn’t me. I loathe this label and therefore it’s my absolute priority that I email everyone personally (it takes bloody forever but it’s nice to be nice!), avoid all “PR spiel” when chatting on the phone and am 100% myself when I meet people, which is upbeat and geeky by the way; I’d always prefer talking about the X-Men or sci-fi to clubbing people to death with work talk. Although sometimes it’s a slog like any other job, I do love it and count myself really lucky I’ve got to this place now.

I’ve met many great bands, labels, managers and industry folk along the way but there’s always that element you need to avoid. I almost hesitated writing this blog as I cringe at the thought of offending anyone but I know that the people I have good relationships with, on the same wavelength as me, will have met these people too!

Enjoy reading my little guide to music industry wankers. However, before you do, remember that no matter what you do in life and no matter what industry you work in, be yourself, never take things too seriously and to quote a famous cinematic duo “be excellent to each other.”

The Obscurist

They make music that’s “out there”. Y’know pig noises for drums and bull farts for vocals backed by a choir whilst they’re dressed as Jesus in a straightjacket, plucking their guitar strings with their teeth. They think they’re making art. It’s called “wanking on stage”.

The Chancer

The Chancer

The Del Boys of the scene, they usually reside in places like Dalston working as promoters or pluggers but never seem to answer emails or actually “work” and spend most of their time talking the talk but barely being able to walk the walk for the size of their massive coke-fuelled egos dragging them down.

The Hipster

They’ve been around for years but it’s only in the last few that they’ve been given this name. Sometimes they parade as The Obscurist but the Hipster can take many forms. From girls wearing 90s attire to the handle bar moustache wearers and the “super underground” hipsters that are against “the man” or anything corporate whilst they sit in their lovely N Power fuelled homes on their MacBooks, designing their shitty house gig flyers on Photoshop. They’re always right and you’re always wrong – best avoided.

Indie Chicks

They used to be the bane of my life, I really hated these girls but now I’m older and wiser, I see they’re like little cardboard cut outs with about as much personality as a monkey’s big toe. Back in “my day” it was the bowl haircuts and polkadot dress brigade at The Art School in Glasgow. These days they look like they’ve been rummaging in the bins at Topshop. You’d get better conversation with a brick wall… trust me.

Industry Types

These guys are basic office folk or marketing bods who’ve landed themselves a nice cosy place in the music industry. They speak in snazzy “music biz” terms and love to “strategise”. They don’t usually have a clue about new music and aren’t that in touch with what people want but they work high paid jobs and keep the masses drowning in a mass of beige records (see Coldplay!).